See You Next Wednesday
Wednesday, May 1
 
Ow! Stop it!
(Why I love the internet part two.)


I tried to give blood today. My right elbow failed to produce any blood when the nurse stuck the hypodermic into it. Sometimes if you move the hypodermic around you can get a better flow, but not this time. My left elbow did bleed when punctured, however I was donating plasma and the flow was not strong enough for the apheresis machine (even after a bit of wiggling) so they pumped it back into me. Now I have two sore elbows and the right one won't stop bleeding (yes, that right one) so I've had to skip yoga. The nurse asked me not to tell anybody where I had been today.

Finding my evening unexpectedly free I decided to set up my new Bigpond account so it will be ready in plenty of time for the demise of Dingoblue at the end of May. Following the instructions for the Internet Access Kit I was given at the Telstra Shop I inserted the CD into my CD ROM. A whole world did not unfold in front of me. There were more instructions in case if CD didn't run automatically so I double-clicked on the 'BigPond Start' icon. A whole world did not unfold in front of me. There were no more instructions.

I called the Customer Service Centre and spoke to Catherine who gave me more instructions to run programs. None of the programs worked, including Internet Explorer and a new dial-up connection. After fifteen minutes without a whole world unfolding in front of me Catherine passed me on to Luke. Luke was able to instruct me how to get a program to run and half an hour later Internet Explorer and the new dial-up connection both worked, and my Windows settings had been reset (the sort of gift that keeps on giving, thank you Telstra). With no more instructions to follow I needed to use my phone to permit a whole world to unfold in front of me.

Apparently a whole world would not unfold in front of me without a connection. Unable to establish a connection I called the Customer Service Centre (on my mobile phone) for some more instructions. Jim took 31 minutes and 55 seconds to instruct me how to correct the dial-up connection settings and the whole world of 'signup' opened up in front of me. It folded up again after twenty minutes so I unfolded it and started again. The third time I unfolded it I was quick enough to make it all the way to the end before it folded up again.

Unfortunately making it to the end wasn't enough. My new account will be ready within 72 hours and will be confirmed by letter (isn't technology wonderful). The instructions said to click on the 'Finish' button to return to the desktop. The instructions didn't mention what to do about the error messages, and I don't know how I'm meant to access my new account either. It has better be a good letter.
 
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This may not sound like the snappiest line from 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968), but it evidently caught the imagination of John Landis, who has worked references to a mythical film of this name into most of his own movies - memorably as the grotty British skinflick watched by an assortment of lycanthropes and zombies in the climax of An American Werewolf in Paris [sic] (1981). Ghastly Beyond Belief, Neil Gaiman and Kim Newman

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