See You Next Wednesday
Wednesday, January 23
Muppet foyer.

I’m in charge of getting the theatre foyer renovated. It’s budgeted for the new season but as it only happens every five years or so it’s not really time dependent. Also, because it is a building renovation and not a stage act I get lots of resources for my very own. This means I don’t have to deal with Beauregard filching my stuff; you can’t paint a canvas flat with gold paint for the pressed tin ceiling because it only comes in tiny little tins (and, by the way, it’s my gold paint, and it’s for the pressed tin ceiling). I don’t have to share a schedule with Gonzo who thinks a technical walkthrough for a five minute sketch takes five minutes. And I don’t have to get my work approved by a freeloading test audience who wouldn’t know a catastrophic juxtaposition if it bit them on the popliteal fossa.

Except I do. It turns out you can render cliquant all the knobs and dials on the U.S.S. Swinetrek set for Pigs in Space with tiny little tins of gold paint, if you use all the tins. The renovations can’t start before the technical walkthrough finishes because a spleenful Sam the Eagle thinks he won’t be able to hear his spotlight over the paintbrushes. And to prove the foyer has been renovated I have to get the test audience to complete a survey about it. The survey can be distributed as they enter a dark theatre to watch a free show, or when the are going home after watching a free show - so I doubt there will be much of a response. Also the test audience is mostly canine or womblety-cropt. Nevertheless, to prove the money was spent the response has to be a significant one; and to prove the money was well spent the response has to be a significantly positive one. Otherwise the renovations will be torn out, probably mid-season (and probably by Crazy Harry). I’m tempted to not and say I did.
Sandwiches. You need to bribe people with those lovely little triangular (it's vital they are triangular) sandwiches. All fresh with lots of choices on big platters and lemon cake and tea and coffee (even bad coffee) - I suggest urgent budget analysis in search of possible sandwich funds. All your problems will be solved.
I promise. SANDWICHES.
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This may not sound like the snappiest line from 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968), but it evidently caught the imagination of John Landis, who has worked references to a mythical film of this name into most of his own movies - memorably as the grotty British skinflick watched by an assortment of lycanthropes and zombies in the climax of An American Werewolf in Paris [sic] (1981). Ghastly Beyond Belief, Neil Gaiman and Kim Newman

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